Monday, February 8, 2010

Wake Filled Realities


Throughout my life, Ive gone out of my way to discover what it is I don't like about people. Often its misinterpreted as hate and rage, though for me its the tool I use in self reflection to purge myself of the attributes I care not to retain when existing in this world. It is not hate after all, its simply frustration at understanding somethings existence to a depth that I view the interconnection of a seemingly isolated act or emotion whether it be tyranny, fear, betrayal, cowardice or deceit to all the points in the time line that lead to up to that moment and all that will evolve after it. This frustration manifests in anger, and anger being one of the most constructive emotions available to the human pallet drives me, motivates me and propels me into becoming the anti-Christ of what I see to be the worst of us.

I try to purge myself of these feelings so that I may be free of them. Though I find I no longer, or probably never had the language to release these and other feelings into the universe, into the void. Im no longer a musician, or an artist, and have never been a poet and in writing I find myself needing to invent words as English simply falls short of what it is I'm trying to express. The problem with words is that you must rely on your audience to interpret your vocabulary, the nuance within the choice of terminology, and the deconstruction of the careful arrangement in which you presented it to them. So you're left with the choice: Express yourself in the language you understand and most likely be misunderstood, or fail to express yourself in an inadequate language used by others. Like trying to grasp a glowing ember in your soul, I haven't the tools to facilitate the job.

As now I struggle to convey the underlining essence of my list of evils: tyranny, fear, betrayal, cowardice, deceit. There there is no word to envelope all that there is about these horrific feelings and actions. No one word or phrase of words that I may use to give the all panoptic view of what they mean to me, to you, or to society as a whole as I see it. If it were a sound it would be a low grumble of subs with hints of high frequencies surfing within reverberation and resonance without feedback, slowly drifting in a methodical yet hypnotic free flowing evolution as it transcends above and below 20htz. Were it a light it would be deep and blue, shimmering as if through the throb of your heart below your breastbone with black abstract shapes, like an amoeba or distant galaxy of stars. Textured like a flowing stream at night caught though with a slow shutter under full moon within a moderate canyon. An unimaginable depth and scale that invokes both great fear and deep humility though captivating and beautiful despite the vulgar humanity that envelopes it.

One of the primary results of getting into the more metaphysical and spiritual aspects of yourself and your environment is that you begin to experience outside of yourself a prevailing synchronicity around you. People within, and the elements of the world at large are full of overlapping patterns and what is seemingly random chaos is really a series of constructs that when viewed objectively are intertwined and codependent on each others existence. The space betwixt these elements is where people live, think, and go about their lives. For lack of a better term I refer to these places as “The Gap” and its within the gap that I direct my gaze as thats where the quite lies, the soft viscus tranquility that buffers one harsh reality against the other.

More and more often I find it hard to settle into the gap and free myself from this seemingly never ending mass of interconnections that represents nonlinear dynamics in its most altruistic form. Snowboarding allows me the easiest gateway into the gap. Its on the mountain that I connect with the universe submitting to the physics of gravity, momentum, force, velocity, inertia and my own humanity, fear, exhilaration, joy, beauty, and love. Its there that my mind clears and all that moves me has left my spirit and Im left with what an alcoholic would describe as a moment of clarity in which all that exists in this dimension is the intuition that guides my muscles and the indifference of the mountain below me.

Most time of any day, I fill my mind with music as it dulls the noise of patterns and coincidence. Without headphones I play the songs that suit my mood or feelings as if on an infinite play-list surging though feelings as if grasping to understand them though the soul of another. Now and again in rare moments Ill stuff lyrics up on my facebook as if inviting others into the space where I happen to exist in these moments. Moments in which for brief period in time I identify with the music so completely I shudder, and have an experience wash over me similar to the concussion of a explosive detonation vibrating every molecule in your body in sequence for a thousandths of a second.

Perhaps one day Ill find away to extrude these moments into minuets, and minutes into hours hours into weeks, and so on. Building a lifetime of such experiences running in concert with my ambition, dreams and wake filled realities.

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